written by me! publically posted September 3rd, 2024! 3,164 words!

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It’s an ordinary day, honestly. It’s only the beginning of fall.

Leaves are starting to turn red and orange and frankly, in the Midwest, it’s quite a lovely sight.

The end of 2015 is coming around soon, and even though it’s still further away, knowing that this is their second to final year of high school only seems to emphasize that. 

It’s a little scary.

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Two teenagers have a heart to heart.

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Quiet murmurs of a once focused class start to heighten in volume when the final bell rings. People chatting and scurrying away, another school day has finished. Sebastián, who hadn’t realized the time, started to hurriedly pack their items. Andrés is waiting, and the last thing they want to do is keep them waiting.

Saying goodbye to the teacher while putting on their backpack, they finally properly leave class.

It’s an ordinary day, honestly. It’s only the beginning of fall. Leaves are starting to turn red and orange and frankly, in the Midwest, it’s quite a lovely sight. The end of 2015 is coming around soon, and even though it’s still further away, knowing that this is their second to final year of high school only seems to emphasize that. 

It’s a little scary.

That’s beside the point, though. Their current goal was to now make their way to Andrés and get out of here. It’s unbelievably crowded, and as much as they love keeping up with their academics, they just want to be with Andrés right now.

And that they get; after pushing through crowds of people trying to leave, they finally reach their designated little corner where both them and Andrés meet up. Andrés, who was standing against the wall keeping an eye out for the other, finally caught sight of Sebastián, straightening up.

“Sebas!” Andrés greeted, walking up to the other as their smile slowly grew. “So, we ready to head out?”

The other nodded, running their hand through their hair. “Yeah. I’m so ready to get out of here.”

“Alright! Let’s get goin’ then.” They started to lead the way to their usual exit, making sure that Sebastián was following beside them while not crashing into anyone.

As they exit, they continue to hold onto each other as they walk home together. Andrés breaks the small silence. “How’d your day go?”

“Ah, it was fine.” They responded. “Same as usual, I guess? Did my work, kept up my good grades, got a little bored. You already know how math class goes for me, though.”

“We literally have the same class.”

“Exactly, haha. So, it was just... Okay.” They shrugged. “Nothing of importance. How was class on your end?”

“Meh.” They visibly shrugged. “Boooring. Snuck in my mp3 player in English class, I don’t think my teacher cared.”

“You still have that? I thought you were going to get like... A proper smartphone this year.”

“Nah, still have it. My parents still don’t want to give me one, which I mean... I get it. They’re pretty expensive, my mom has better do with her money.”

“Didn’t your mom get herself a phone a while back?”

“Yeah. Whatever, I guess. I already have issues with them, I’m not starting shit because of some smartphone.”

Sebastián sighs. “Yeah no, same here. It’d be awesome to get it someday though.”

“I’d message you a fuckton while in class.”

“As if you don’t message me a ton outside of class already.”

They both giggle amongst themselves. The traffic near the school quiets down as they continue to make significant distance away from their school. No longer holding onto each other, Andrés spots the park they always walk past as they go home.

“Oh! Sebastián!” They turn to the other, tugging on their sweater. “Let's go chill out at the park together, yeah? It’d be fun to be able to hang out.”

“Ah, uhm,” Sebastián looks at their watch, checking the time. “Uh... I don’t... think I can. I’ll get in trouble with my parents, and I’ve got homework to do...”

“Oh.” Andrés’s smile lessens, letting go of their sweater. They shrug regardless. “Oh well, that’s alright. I’m not gonna force you, I know how your parents are.”

A silence falls between the two as they continue walking. But Sebastián slows down, looking at the park.

“Sebas?”

“You know what?” They look at Andrés. “Maybe hanging out a bit won’t hurt...” They did miss them, after all. They’re not going to say that outloud, however.

But it doesn’t seem like they need to. Andrés’s eyes lighten up, doing a small little dance. “GOD yes. I’ve missed you sooo much, it feels like school is eating me UP I need my Sebas and Andrés time before I EXPLODE!!!” They say hurriedly, grabbing onto Sebastián’s sweater and immediately pulling them towards the park. “Let’s go, let’s go!” 

Sebastián stumbles along, laughing. “Okay, okay! I’m going!”

They both make their way to a small playground. It’s nothing too big, it’s obviously intended for younger children, but it’s also a nice place to just hang out. There aren’t any children around, the wind isn’t too cold, and the nearby pond is nice to watch.

Sitting down on an empty bench near the pond, Andrés places their backpack next to themself, taking their mp3 player and little earbuds out of the front pocket. Sebastián places their backpack on the ground. 

“You wanna listen to some music? An earbud for you and one for me? I downloaded more shit.”

“Oh. Sure. Only if you skip any of the Julia Brown albums and Teen Suicide, it’s a little depressing for my taste right now.”

“Cool, I can do that.”

Sebastián’s gaze made its way towards the pond and the way it glistens in the sunlight, all while Andrés sets up their mp3 player with their little playlist, just for them two. 

“What music did you add on?” Asked Sebastián, their focus back on Andrés.

“Some songs that one artist I found on Bandcamp a while back, if you remember. Car Seat Headrest.”

“Oh yeah, I remember.”

“Yeah, found some songs I think you might like, dunno. I also found out about another artist, Starry Cat. By the same guy who did Julia Brown, I think. It’s as depressive I guess, so we can listen to those some other time. A bunch of shit from other artists too,” Andrés clicked through their songs, “Erica Western Teleport, Are You Kissing Anyone, It’s Only Sex, that one’s by Car Seat Headrest, Alive…”

“We can start with that one by Car Seat Headrest.”

“It’s Only Sex?”

“Yeah.”

“Good choice,” they say in a silly manner, smiling at the other. Andrés clicked onto the song, placing their own earbud into their ear while Sebastián did the same. Pressing play, Andrés leans on Sebastián’s shoulder, relaxing into their friend’s arm while the song plays. “Man.” They start, “I’ve missed you a fuckton, lately. I barely see you anymore.”

“Sorry,” Sebastián apologizes, leaning their head onto the other. “Parents are getting on my ass about my grades.”

“Whaaat?? Dude, all you do is like...School. That’s like your whole life.”

“I know, but shit’s been slipping lately and it’s…” They sink into the bench, sighing. “I feel like I can’t keep up anymore, I don’t know. I think they’re catching on and have been a lot more… irritable lately.” Sebastián picks at their sweater, their gaze avoiding Andrés’s. “They’re worried about me not being able to get into a good college, especially since senior year is literally next year. Classes feel like they’re getting harder, the world feels like it's getting louder.” They now look at the pond, “All while I’ve had some… stuff on my mind.”

Andrés slightly tilts their head to the side. “Stuff? What kind of stuff?”

“... Is it alright if I talk about some kind of personal shit with you?”

“Yeah dude, anything.”

“Just don’t make fun of me.”

“I won’t, Sebas. Lay it on me.”

Sebastián looks at the other nervously, before looking back down, now fidgeting with their sweater’s drawstrings. “I’m entrusting you with this, especially since you know about this more than I do.” They didn’t notice the song's volume lowered at all until now. Andrés is even sitting up now, looks like they’ve got Andrés’s full attention. “So- like, listening to this song it sorta reminded me, uhm… I’ve been thinking about what you’ve told me. Regarding sexuality and whatever, right? Mainly in which one applies to me.”

“Right.”

“So, like… I just… feel lost, I guess… Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual… none of them apply to me. At least, I don’t think so.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like- I just don’t feel anything. I don’t think I ever remember having a crush on anyone growing up. I’ve never dated, I’ve never had interest doing so, but I always chalked it up to having no time to do so. Thinking about it now though, it no longer feels like that. I can’t imagine myself with someone, with anyone. Romantically or sexually, I mean. I’m not feeling what I’m supposed to, I think. My parents expect me to get a girlfriend, get married, settle down, have a good job and have some kids. But when I watch other people our age date or whatever it’s like…” They let go of their sweater’s drawstrings. “I don’t want that. I never have. Is that- is that possible? To just… not want to date or shit?” Sebastián now looks at Andrés. “There’s so much focus on dating and romance that it feels like it isn’t.”

Pouring their heart out to Andrés does make Sebastián feel better about this whole ordeal, even if they haven’t gotten a reaction yet. They haven’t been able to share this with anyone, and nobody’s as understanding as Andrés, so finally being able to verbalize this, feels… relieving. Less lonely.

“Damn Sebas,” Andrés starts, “It sounds like you’ve been holding this in for a while.”

“I’m- I’m sorry. I’d meant to share sooner but…” They shrug. “I got scared.”

“Hey, you’ve nothing to apologize for. I get it, it takes a shitton of time to put this kind of shit into words, I get it.” They smile warmly at Sebastián, placing their hand on top of the other’s own. “You know I’m here for you. Plus, you’ve been very accepting of my own shit.”

“Yeah, I know. I guess it’s just… I’m scared of not reaching my parents’ expectations. They’re already getting upset at me for not doing well in school anymore. They’re upset I won’t be able to go to college and get a good paying job, especially which like- I get. I mean, they immigrated here for a reason. I should be able to give them that. But if I can’t give them that, if I’m not able to settle down and have kids and have the life they expected of me then… I don’t know. I feel like I’m disappointing them.”

“Sebas,” Andrés reaches out for Sebastián’s face, their hand now warmly on their cheek as they guide the other to look at them. “It’s your own life. I know we’ve talked about this before, but it really is. I mean, hell! My parents do the same! But they came here to give me an opportunity for a better life and this,” They gestured to themself, "Is the better life I want. Being queer is the life I want. And-” They sigh. “I know it’s harder for you to break away from since you’re such a rule follower but… you should be able to choose what you want to do with that. Even if it means breaking away from their expectations. Even if it means not settling down and shit.”

There’s a small silence that falls between the two. Andrés now scooches over closer to Sebastián, leaning slighting on the other. It’s a comfortable silence, almost as if everything that had been said was just being slowly taken in.

“Oh and, Sebas?”

“...Yeah?”

“I think I know what might be able to help you with your shit from earlier. I’ve a label that might fit, if that’s what you want.”

“It… might.”

“You should look into what aromantic and asexual are. I just found out about those two not too long ago. I found out about them through some blog post.”

“Aromantic and asexual…? I can kind of assume what they mean, probably, but… can you share with me? Maybe?”

“Yeah, of course!” Andrés sits up, “Okay so I’m going to do my best to keep it simple. Aromantic means experiencing little to no romantic attraction and asexual means experiencing little to no sexual attraction, from what I remember. There are like… other labels that go within the two, but we can figure that out together another time. So, with you saying you don’t feel either romantic or sexual attraction, or something like that, you might really like aromantic and asexual. Or as some call it, aroace.” They say that last part quite proudly, in a silly, fun way. “So, you’re not gay, bi, straight or whatever the fuck. You’re not alloromantic or allosexual. Which uhm- alloromantic means anyone who isn’t aromantic and allosexual means anyone who isn’t asexual if that… makes sense.”

“...huh.”

“So, someone can be biromantic and asexual, which makes them alloromantic. Or someone else can be aromantic and homosexual. That’d make them allosexual. Which that’s… I think that’s called the sexual attraction model. Not everyone uses that though.”

Sebastián sits in silence as they take it all in, thinking about it further. Is this label for them? Can they actually be aroace, as Andrés put it? Are they not the only one? Andrés looks at them still with that warm, patient smile. They know that Sebastián takes a while to think about this, especially if this has been something that’s been weighing on their heart.

The wind blows. The trees sway slightly.

“Is it… really okay?”

“Yeah, of course it is!”

“How do you… how do you know all of this?”

“Like I said, I found it through some blog post. I was actually questioning it myself. Recently found out that I’m aromantic and asexual.”

Sebastián looks at the other with a bit of a surprised expression. “Really?”

“Yeah. Made a whole lot of shit make sense. Why I never found myself crushing on boys. Or even girls, really. Not anyone. Why I always felt so isolated when talking about romance or sex or whatever. It never clicked for me. I don’t want any of that.”

“Does that… not upset you?”

“Why would it?”

“I don’t know. I guess there’s just so much focus on romance and crap that it’s like- it’s impossible to escape. We’re expected to be in love and have sex. Everyone our age is doing that. It’s what everyone focuses on. It feels like I’m missing out on something I should have.”

“No, it doesn’t upset me. I honestly don’t really care about what others want out of me; I’m allowed to do the shit I want to do. I already don’t identify as a girl. Why would I let others dictate my romantic and sexual shit? That’s up to me.”

Andrés looks at the other, who is now looking awfully shy and- ashamed. Ah. Their hand reaches out to hold Sebastián’s own.

“...Look, I know I don’t care about what others think, but that’s me. I’m just like that. I know you do care, though. I know you care a lot so-” They sigh. “It might be hard. Just… take your time with it, okay? Don’t let me tell you who you are, either. Think about it. And if you decide to identify as nothing at all, that’s fine too.”

“It’s not that,” Sebastián starts, “I want to not care, the way you do. Aromantic and asexual do seem to be for me but it’s just… that means I won’t live up to what my parents want. And that- that gives me a whole lot of anxiety.”

Looking out onto the pond, Andrés squeezes Sebastián’s hand. “It’s your life. I’ve already been unafraid of being myself, but it’s fine if you’re not. It takes time.”

“Are you- are you really okay with the idea of not having a romantic relationship? I mean- you’re always so chismoso, especially in regard to people’s relationships I just sorta thought…” They trail off.

Andrés shrugs. “I’m just nosey as fuck. I don’t want to be in a relationship myself. Plus, I have you.”

“Is that even enough?”

“More than enough. It is to me.”

And with final response, they both fall into another silence. It’s longer this time, but warmly content. Andrés’s words seem to ring in Sebastián’s head, a fuzzy feeling growing in their chest knowing that this is enough for the other. That they’re enough for Andrés. And…perhaps…this is enough for Sebastián, too.

The music continues playing in their earbuds, listening to songs about love and sex, knowing that’s something outside of their reach. Well- they’ll still have love, just not the kind these songs are talking about. But that's not so bad, maybe. With the sky gradually becoming more orange by the hour, Sebastián looks down at their watch. It’s been a few hours since school ended. Oh goodness. 

“Hey, Andrés?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s getting late. I think we both should be heading home.”

Andrés groans dramatically, laying down on Sebastián’s lap. “Noooo! God, not yet!”

Giggling at their friend’s reaction, Sebastián runs their fingers through the other’s hair. “Come on Andrés, I have homework I need to do, and I’m sure you do, too. I don’t wanna get in trouble right now, either.” 

Andrés sighs, resigning as they sit up. “Fine. I don’t want you getting in trouble. I think I’ve kept you here long enough.”

“There’s always tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I know. I just miss you.”

Andrés takes their earbuds and puts them away, all while pausing the music and turning off their mp3 player. Sebastián grabs their backpack from the ground, now standing up. The other zips up their backpack, and finally gets up, as well.

“I hope this talk helped you out, Sebas.”

“It did. It… it makes things make sense.” They say, now reaching out to hold the other’s hand. “It might take a while for me to fully accept though.”

“That’s fine. There’s plenty of time in this world anyway.”

Sebastián giggles. “Yeah, I suppose so.”

“Plus,” Continues Andrés, “You can always message me if you need to. I can send you those blog posts I was talking about.”

“That would be helpful, actually. I would love that. Thank you, Andrés.” They both start to walk slowly together. “I really don’t know what I’d be doing without you. You’ve been so accepting of me despite… everything.”

“It’s nothing, Sebas. You’re just as accepting of me! It’s a lot less scary and more fun to do shit with other people. And to know you have those people.” They point out, smiling warmly at Sebastián. “It’s nice knowing I have you.”

Sebastián smiles fondly, nodding in agreement. “It’s nice knowing I have you, too.” They squeeze Andrés’s hand softly, lovingly.

“Okay now let’s go hooome! I’m gonna send you a shitton of messages, you have to help me do my homework! I’m not gonna know SHIT!” Andrés now pulls Sebastián along, giggling.

“Gah! Okay!” Laughs Sebastián, happily following Andrés home.